The first thing I noticed was a restriction in my chest. A tightness and a feeling that as I sat with it was akin to flight or fight response. I realised I usually run and by run I mean I hide. I do not speak. I delete what I was going to say or share unless I am sure it's okay with everyone else. I have realised that to me that's the safest option. There are benefits as I listen more. I probably let on to my opinion through silence sometimes. That happened recently when with my brother. He said, "you are awfully quiet - what's your opinion". Rabbit is a headlight.....
But I have been working on doing things differently and doing at least one thing a day that is not in my box of comfort. So today because of the intent I am putting out there I think this happened.
I have been working on FEAR's in my body, mind and spirit. The fear of rejection raised it's head here. The fear of not being agreed with. The fear of being wrong or perceived wrong.
I did a piece of artwork at college and it depicted FEAR in all it's pretty shapes and sizes and colours. Fear can disguise itself in very pretty ways that make us feel safe and secure staying with it.
I have been delving into what hold's me back from being me. From shining. From speaking. So in comes the fear of my opinion being not good enough. Fear of being inadequate to say what I wanted to say.
So I tread softly and gently and when I was going to delete I stayed. When I was telling myself, "see they will not like you now" I ignored the fear. But I will say that I checked in with my spirit and I was not coming from any unkindness and that is my gauge.
I sat with the feeling. I acknowledged all of these things going on inside me. I sat with it. I am now writing about it which in itself is another challenge because it's like being raw and open again to fear of perceived judgements.
It is so interesting this fear of sharing an opinion. Well for me it is. I know many people who have no problems at sharing very loudly their opinions and beliefs with the intent of trying to get me to adjust and move into their way of thinking. So I thought about what I want out of saying what I think. I believe it is the desire to be heard. The desire to say, "Hey I am thinking this even though maybe tomorrow after learning more I will be thinking something else". It is learning and discovering.
Which brings me to the point of where I feel some fear originates within. For me over time I have found that once you voice a belief or idea or opinion you are held to it. That is so wrong. We all change and learn. I do know some people who seem never to change and they keep repeating the same story over and over with just slightly different nuances. I know that my opinions and beliefs are so more mature and open and rounded and fuller than 5 years ago - 1 year ago - even 6 months ago.
And as said at the beginning, it seems to me that the fact that a comments section on Facebook or social media is just a surreal waste of space to convey a line of thought and that it does no justice to the person's sharing. There is so much more conversation I had with my husband after this where I realised so much is misconstrued and picked over and how I had wished I was able to actually have been able to convey without a foolscap page of text in a comments section. It is NOT the place of building understanding and intelligent sharing and learning.
Yes information can be shared on there and this leads to more information gathering and hoarding but no real connection and it is wrong of me to assume this. I want more real conversation over a meal and around a table. That's what I want.
So another thing I am writing gradually is a list of what I truly want in my life and I am adding this...
To sit around my table and share my food over good stimulating conversations that doesn't lead to fighting and yelling or me agreeing with you and you agreeing with me but where we learn to see things from another's perspective and commune with one another - and of course a glass of wine - always a nice glass of wine.
And feel free to leave a long comment.... Hahahah